Dear feminist men,

I have seen so many of you over the years jump up and white knight/mansplain a womens reproductive rights. I’ve had you try to get into my pants with the whole “I respect your body” “real men are feminists” BS. Every way you can think of, I’ve had you around me charge in on your my little pony and try and defend a woman’s rights, point out how much space you’re taking up to me in a conversation I didn’t invite you into, and try to incorrectly explain to me how my vagina works because you some how managed to give a woman an orgasm that one time in college. You show me the long list of books you are reading, pictures of you at protests and rallies, and your wicked cool feminist T-Shirt you wear with your skinny jeans and infinity scarf. 

I am happy some of you are trying to help and over the next 4 years we will need the strength to keep standing. So thank you for that. I just, I have a few things. Just a few things I need to say and/or point out.

1) You can’t be transphobic/homophobic/ racist/ableist and be a feminist. ALL WOMEN. Not a small select few you find sexually attractive or worth fighting for. ALL.WOMEN. Regardless of race, religion, genitalia, gender, sexual orientation, ablility, age, etc. It’s all or none. We are having a hard enough time getting other women to understand this. So if you would just quickly jump on board with that concept and spread the word, that would be great. -sips coffee-

2) Recognize the space you take up and your privilege. You may not act on it or take advantage of it in ways you notice, but our entire society is based around your needs, wants, pleasures, and comforts. It has changed so much over the years and I recognize that we “have it better” than some other parts of the world (at least white cis women do), but our societies focus is on masculinity. If you take the time, daily, to observe this in action, believe me, you will be hella surprised. 

3) Don’t use feminism as a way of getting out of child support. I understand the system is flawed in many ways and that sucks. It does. But your kids can’t live off your coffee house feminist rants, unless you’re getting paid and paying support. Fight the system to make changes without punishing your kids. This also applies to birth control. Women taking charge of their reproduction so awesome and you should support it. Just don’t forget it’s your responsibility and offering money in a pinch doesn’t count as supporting their rights. Own your reproductive responsibilities while also supporting your partners. 

3) You know what I haven’t seen or heard yet? Men volunteering to face jail time if their partner gets an abortion. I haven’t seen it yet, although I’m not denying it’s out there somewhere. Law makers all over the country are discussing women facing legal charges for seeking abortions. I haven’t seen y’all pull a Katnis and stepping up to go jail too for having involment in said “murder”. It’s funny how it takes two to tango till the music speeds up, and then we are left dancing alone with republicans chasing us with hot pokers and pitch forks. You’re still steps ahead of the “pro-life” hypothetical men waving the pitch forks and hot pokers during the day and getting women pregnant at night.

4) And this one is a pet peeve, but it’s also a serious issue I see y’all doing. STOP pinning women against each other. Women are guilty of this from time to time. I do it and I feel no shame in admitting it. Society has ingrained in me the need to be better than my female neighbor for y’all’s attention. Even women how don’t date men still pin themselves against other women. It’s ridiculous! Y’all need to stop doing it too. It’s not just a female problem. It’s not just something we need to do. Y’all need to work on it too. Even more so than us. Especially when it comes to feminism! I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a man jump into an argument yelling at a woman for not doing enough for women. First, stop comparing women to each other and defining what makes a “real woman”. Second, we will handle that argument, bro. We got it. Don’t jump in to white knight or manspalin. We are fully capable of throwing women’s history around on our own. 

5) While some of you are white knighting and mansplaing, I notice you’re throwing in men’s rights in there. Now, before you get pissed at me and get defensive, let me break down my point. There are 100% legit concerns and social norms surrounding men that need to be addressed!! I’m not disputing that and no feminist should dispute that! Women’s rights are human rights. We cannot ignore the rights of all genders while fighting for our own. And the reason I say that is because I personally believe that the aspects of other genders that are under attack are those that are feminine. Feminie features, habits, feelings, roles, etc. are seen as this plague within society. If a man, or another gender, takes on those qualities, qualities I believe are needed and natural in order to maintain balance, then they are seen as weak, wrong, or cause confusion. Man shows emotions then he is weak, like a woman, or considered “gay” because only gay men show feminine qualities… right? Within our society, women are seen as infurior in SO many ways and the second anyone shows feminine qualities they throw off the constructs people assume should be there and it makes them uncomfortable. Within our society, one of the highest compliments I hear a man give a woman he admires is that she has balls or we are viewed as bitches when we show to much maculity. So, by all means, men’s rights are 100% valid and important! No one should dispute that. Ever. What I am saying, is that you cannot change the way society treats men till you change how society views women and feminity. 

I’m not discounting men involved in feminism. It’s important and necessary. And I know, I know, before someone else says it -clears throat- NOT ALL MEN! We know… it’s just this isn’t some little hipster fad you can stick your toes into. It’s our life. It has been our fight for way too long and we will continue to have to fight for generations to come. So join our fight or get out of our way. We have too much at risk, globally, to hold your hand through it or sit to listen to your mansplainging BS. 

(I am speaking in general terms. Not singularly addressing the issues when it comes to POC or GNC/Transgender individuals because I don’t have the experience to write on that topic within this context. This is what I have seen as cis white female. When using male/female I am referring to those who identify as those genders and I don’t mean to exclude other genders) 

Silver Lining

I am always the one to try and find the best in a situation. The silver lining, if you will, helps to keep us sane. While it keeps us sane, let’s not forget the negative either. During the next four years, we are bound to see some silver lining and I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. It can cloud our judgment though and we should be careful about what we are agreeing to in order to have the good.

Trump isn’t 100% a bad person. No one is 100% a bad person. Even Ted Bundy worked at a suicide hotline and saved lives. This doesn’t excuse the bad things he did, but it helps to remind us that there is a balance within everyone and it can be deadly not to remember that balance. I wanted to share some “history” I try to remember about the balance of good and evil, and that helps me to put the silver lining thinking into perspective. (I have no sources for most of this information because most of it I have learned over the years, but your own research will show you the actual facts)

Saddam Hussein was the leader of Iraq from 1979-2003. Under his government there was free education and literacy programs, improvements for the middle class, funding for infrastructure and agricultural advances, and free health care that resulted in improvements to infant mortality rates and decreasing diseases. This doesn’t excuse the estimated half a million people he had murdered or the use of torture, rape, chemical weapons, and mutilation on civilians that happened on his order.  (Karsh & Rautsi, 2007)

Adolph Hitler was the leader in Germany from 1933/34-1945. Under his government, he pulled his country away from the International Banks run by the Rothschild/Rockefeller, created programs and initiatives to promote the health of family and children, create loans and programs for farmers, newly married couples, and the middle class to help improve their lives and the economy, free public health care, and heavy investments were made in the cultural arts. There were also animal and environmental laws and regulations in place, which made Nazi Germany one of the first countries to have Green Energy Regulations in place (although not called that at the time). Most of this was still problematic and its purpose was to help maintain the facade of the superiority of the Aryan race. Hitler even created programs and laws to eliminate smoking, especially among women and military/government employees. Again, that doesn’t excuse Kristallnacht, Ghettos or the unethical science experiments, tortures, rapes, and starvation of millions of people. Let’s not even being to discuss the estimated 11 million+ people (including Jews, Roma, POC, LGBT, Disabled) systematically murdered, because we could go on for hours about that. (Closmann, 2005)

My point is that both men, although horrible, did offer their people great things at one point or another. There were silver linings and they did not start out completely negative, but they were also known for their extensive list of human rights violations. Look up Hirohito, Eichmann, Kim Jong II, Mao Zedong, Francisco Franco, Pol Pot, Stalin, Mussolini, Ivan the Terrible, Thaksin Shinawatra, and Gaddafi. Each one is known for something disgraceful and horrible, but there were still silver linings seen by many in different ways.

So, as we moved forward, keep in mind that while we may have moments of silver lining, at what cost? What follows?

Closmann, C. E.-4. (2005). “Legalizing a Volksgemeinschaft: Nazi Germany’s Reich Nature Protection Law of 1935. In F.-J. Brüggemeier, M. Cioc, & T. Zeller, How Green Were the Nazis?: Nature, Environment and Nation in the Third Reich (pp. 18-42). Ohio University Press.

Karsh, E., & Rautsi, I. (2007). Saddam Hussein: A political biography. Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Why I won’t shut up about Trump.

I don’t write much outside of academic writing, and most of the time my grammar and spelling is barely passing, but I needed to say this. I needed to share my feelings. I think I will be doing a lot of this over the next 4 years. So, stick with me here. I will venture off on tangents, make errors, and probably use some bad words, but I will try my best. This also isn’t a holier than though “look what I have done” piss fest where I am meaning to judge you for lack of action. This is directed at those who want to stick their head in the sand only to pop up and complain about those who “won’t just shut up”.

It is important to me that I understand and recognize my privileges and the space I take up. My life has not been easy and you know what, I have dealt with some screwed up and hateful BS. I’m not talking about the crap definition of privilege. I’m talking about the “I am white so I can hide that I am Jewish” type of privilege. I have seen a lot of articles going around making comments that are really starting to get under my skin. I understand the far left and the far right are causing issues. I see the concerns on both sides and I understand its getting annoying and frustrating. I also see how the media is feeding into this “we are here because of the left” BS and I have seen people, who I used to agree with a lot, start to have opinions that have me standing with my mouth open like a confused dog. Peoples opinions change. But, where I am most concerned, is I have also noticed many complaisant people starting to pop up.

Now, I understand needing to take a step back from it all. It is overwhelming and we have a lot to tackle over 2-4 years, so people need to concentrate of self-care as well as their community!! Put your own oxygen mask on before your neighbors and all that. I’m not dismissing that. I also know that many of us are burnt out. It’s exhausting.  You see, this is where I start to recognized my privilege. I have the privilege of turning around and taking a step back. I have the privilege of saying “not to day, I’m too tired” and leaving the fight for someone else today. I have the privilege of making passive aggressive posts on social media about the people that just won’t shut up about Trump and how it’s getting annoying. I am with you. I am so tired of seeing his name and reading repeatedly about that absolute bullshit coming out of DC right now. It’s not just him, I know. I am with you though. I am sick of seeing his smug face everywhere and he just makes me want to – I should be careful here or I’ll have people coming at me like they are Madonna- hug kittens… Then we have his supporters. They aren’t all bad, I know. I have read the comments and articles too. From both sides. I agree with many of the comments and concerns made. That’s a completely different rant though. The rest?  Foaming at the mouth and just angry. So very angry. I don’t know what happened to them to make them so angry towards people they don’t know, but someone needs to hug them. Tight.

Back to my point. It’s everywhere, from both sides, and there are times where I must walk away and just take a deep breath. My privilege, in many ways, is that I can put my phone down, turn my computer off, etc. and just walk away from it. Many people can’t do that. Many parents can’t do that. It’s not something they have to quickly scroll past on social media because it’s getting annoying. It’s their entire world. It’s with them from the time they wake up in the morning till the time they close their eyes. It haunts their dreams and keeps them awake.

I was raised differently from some people I know and I know that has a big impact on how I respond to situations like this. I don’t back down, I don’t walk away, I don’t become complacent. I was taught what happens to people when people become annoyed with issues and start to ignore them. I was taught what happens when you start to ignore human rights and turn a blind eye because it’s not directly impacting your life.  I was taught never to forget and to never let it happen again. As a mother, I refuse to let it happen again and to teach my daughter that it’s not okay. So, no. I’m sorry. I won’t shut up. I will yell, scream, march, sign, share, and post as much as I can. I will offer my voice to those who need it. I will stand with those who need my support. I will spread information while I am still legally allowed to.

I. Will. Not. Shut. Up.

I am just one person though. I have a kid I need to raise, I have school to get through and bills to pay, and I have my own small bubble to maintain. So, I understand the appeal in turning inward and shutting it all out. I do.  You do what you can when you can and that’s your choice. I can respect that. Respect my choice not to just shut up and move on. I can’t and I won’t. Sit there and complain about people trying to do anything they can, become complaisant or just give up because you’ve done enough already, or allow your privilege to keep you from seeing what’s going on around you? Then I have no respect for you and, while I really hate this phrase with a passion for how childish is it, just delete me because I am not going to shut up.

Just remember that when you need someone to help you and speak up because it made its way to your door step, there may be no one left to speak up for you.